How tattoos help those grieving from the loss of a loved one

The machine whirrs to life once again as artist Jayson Dela Cruz, starts the first line on another tattoo. The setup is always swift as he wipes down the chair and equipment, taking the utmost care of his station. The nearby sound of the ink being poured into an ink cap leaks through the heavy-set black curtains that separate the two workstations. 

Many figurines line the walls each from a different anime show, all in various bright colours, that is almost blinding as the sun pours in through the tall windows of Bini Tattoos on Elm St. Dela Cruz takes his time, each line clean with persition.

This tattoo may look similar to others he has done before. But it’s different this time, as this piece is for a woman whose husband passed away less than two hours before. 

As she sits on the massage table hours after her tattoo is done, crying, she asks Dela Cruz to keep going, line after line, over and over until the skin is raw and bleeding.

“She wanted to feel something else…” -Dela Cruz

 Everyone heals differently, and for some, getting a tattoo to commemorate the loss of a loved one is beneficial and for some, it is a coping method says Dela Cruz. Neither is right or wrong, he adds. Each interviewee dealt with their loss and grief differently. For some of them, tattoos helped with the process, for others, it was just used to feel something else in the moment. More than anything this for most becomes away to remember the person that is no longer there, which can be very beneficial to processing grief from a loved one’s death.

In this case, she just wanted to numb the pain and without knowing what else to do he just kept tattooing, even after the initials of her late husband were complete. She did not want the physical pain to stop, so without any ink in the needle, Dela Cruz continued to draw invisible lines, for however little time Dela Cruz wanted to give her reprieve from her emotional pain.

There are so many ways to deal with grief, and the healing process looks different for everyone says Shane Lyons, a student therapist at Live Wise Counselling in Pickering ON. He speaks from both personal and professional experience, having lost his father a few years back.

He spent most of his life trying to “fix” his dad, who struggled with addiction. Try as he might, he couldn’t. He so badly wanted to be his father’s savior.

“If he could find his happiness that means I could be”- Lyons

He says the decision to get a tattoo in his honour was easy. Lyons, his brother, sister and aunt went together and tattooed their wrist with a barcode with Lyon’s father’s birthdate at the bottom, and when scanned, it says dad. Lyons says it’s like he is with him and it was a way to honour him.
The barcode was to symbolize his father’s love of The Matrix and the idea that we are all an avatar and when a person is born that is them checking in says Lyons, “when he passed that was him just checking out” adds Lyons

There isn’t one way someone can deal with their grieving says Lyons. He has patients who are at both ends of the spectrum. Some cope by going to therapy and even getting tattoos themselves just as Lyons did. Others are not coping at all, and instead choose to pretend as though the grief doesn’t exist at all adds Lyons. 

Above all else, Lyons urges others in his shoes to simply give themselves space to feel.

The healing for Lyons and his family was a slow process but they worked through thier emotions, often doing things together. For his anniversary they wrote his father letters, tied them to balloons and each got to cut the string to the balloon holding thier letters. They did this in the hopes it reached Lyons father, which allowed them to feel a sense of closure says Lyons. 

Blacky Acosta, a tattoo artist and co-owner of The Tattoo Firm, in Pickering ON, is also not a stranger to grief, and has been on both the giving and receiving end of the honour tattoos for lost loved ones.
  He says people mostly come to him with a script and photographs and some even bring their lost loved one’s ashes and ask that it be mixed in with the ink that will be used to tattoo them. The most memorable would be a father who lost his daughter young says Acosta. The man wanted a picture his daughter drew tracing her handprints, tattooed on his back with the script “I will always have your back”.

Usually, Acosta takes pride in the lines he creates, free handing most stencils and choosing not to print them, but for this particular tattoo, he didn’t have the heart to change any lines. He says it would have been wrong to do so, and the tattoo is more meaningful this way. 

Acosta knows the loss of a loved one all too well, having lost both of his brothers. This has made him an extremely empathetic tattoo artist when it comes to these tattoos. Though it’s tough at the end of the day it’s your job, so he tries to detach himself says Acosta. He lost his brothers early on, and while he did not get tattoos in their honour, he does have a tattoo that was done by one of them.

Acosta sometimes likes to believe that his brother is still alive back in Mexico, his home country, only to be reminded when he visits his family. He did decide to get a tattoo for his mom, as it felt more appropriate, a simple rose with her name written across in the middle of the stem. 

The first few years are the worst says Acosta, but eventually, you get used to the idea they aren’t around anymore he states.

All these stories, though heartbreaking have something in common. They all found a way to feel closer to their lost loved one, whether a tattoo helped them get the closure they needed or not. The journey is different for everyone, but all the people interviewed who shared stories of great loss said that they all dealt with it by trusting someone with their pain.